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- ▼ November (10)
Monday, November 30, 2009
the comfort of your darkness, your frozen embrace
your endless abyss
where I got lost
in a coma where time and lucidity snuck away
I wasn’t happy, but hands of tragedy hadn’t completed the
task that your smothering took on to bring me to
once reason parted my lips to allow
your draught to assault my tongue
I tasted my addiction
My heart pounded again,
panic flailed my limbs to search for the surface
to cut the mass of tangible obsession
and win back my breath
I tasted your poison
I tasted your power,
that I made more potent with every single
dream, nightmare, thought, memory, word, glance, heartbeat, breath—
I remember diving into you
and feeling comfort in the cold
for you’d stock me like this for always
and keep me inside ‘til death do us part—
though, as the diver, I guess I’m the swan
I remember diving into you
out of choice, and all the while knowing
a masochist would blush from the emotional
whirlpool you preserve me in
I remember diving into you
I remember drowning
until I remembered it’s not safe to dive
when you can’t see the bottom in an unreliable ocean
so I built a bridge, crossed over
I remember looking back at you
Thursday, November 26, 2009
North and South live up to their titles
they freeze and burn when I deviate from
the core of my rational, average centre—
my bridge above the pool of bubbling anger,
below a sky of blinding apathy
Me and You lived up to our titles
making an “us” from two skeptical
We stood on this bridge,
the experiment of stability
standing on feet that once ran but could
with a hint of affection from
Time’s an enemy I can’t ignore
wearing on my balance—
raining on my vision
so I can’t tell the future from the
Time won’t let me die,
or breathe in this Wonderland
where you wrote me into existence
in this tragedy with no
Time won’t intervene
while my heart pounds and slows,
stealing blood from my imagination
weighing my feet to concrete below
North pulls me to frigid heavens,
South to smouldering saunas
where sins burn free from the flesh that wanted
gravity to pull you through me
until nothing’s left
but air’s memory that love once was
I can’t feel my feet
my heart won’t beat
the storm’s calming to a stubborn shower
washing away the heat from below
washing away impending frostbite
Then Time wakes me from my trance
Lust and Love live up to their titles
you touch my hand, usurping my chemistry—
sensation lying to my sensibility
And I could touch your face tonight,
if I only knew how to break Time’s sentence
if I only knew how I could let myself free
from the shackles of a nightmare
that never let me walk beside you
but threw me to the mercy of the ravaging magnetism
of ruthless, warring
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
You need to know
all that’s in my heart
while you’re collecting what’s left
of your own,
re-arranging the pieces to find who remains
after hurricane Me
You need to know
I’m fully empty
and starving for what wasn’t.
You need to know
it won’t last long—like all loyal dwellers of our village
at the base of Mount Tomorrow,
we’ll rebuild our organs, without
splitting an Atom.
You need to know
so my mind can set free
the dove that was shot with my mistake.
You need to know
I’m not trying to be selfish,
and I know trying at all buries selfless
You need to know
I thought it was true,
that it could have been and Life called our
You need to know
the peace will come
after this affective tempest halts.
You need to know
I’m doubting myself,
for I hear an echo of these words
from all four walls.
I've also started to incorporate exercise back into my life. Zumba and TenMinuteTrainer vids have found their way into my week. i tried to do pushups early on, and am not that far off from where I was before I got sick now. I don't know what I"ll be able to do today, and may not do anything since I end tonight at almost 10pm.
It'll be nice to incorporate: rice, potatoes, some grains, all veggies, all fruit, back into my diet again. I may add soy milk, but not until the final week. There's too much sugar in the stuff you get at Starbucks and stores in general.
Another assignment has been knocked off my list, and another will be done tomorrow, too. This weekend's gonna be another assignment weekend. I have a relationship with papers these days.. We're going steady for sure. I should really be doing two of them this weekend, but we'll see how much gets done... lol
Well, cyberworld, hae a good Wednesday despite this icky rain.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I can't believe it, either.
That means I'm nearing the end of the death sentence portion of my AC diet. Starting Sunday, I incorporate all veggies, rice and potatoes back into my diet. I'm excited lol!
Things are going pretty well...my body is still not at full capacity. I'm going to Zumba tonight, for the first time in a LONG time. Boxing, though, won't be attempted for another week or so (out of time's sake and because I'm still not my ass-kicking self yet body-wise). Finances is the only thing giving me hell....oh Christmas shopping and debt lol. What a bad pair....
I'm still on a high from seeing my holistic practitioner on Fri night. I feel like things are going to get much better. It'll take work, quite a bit of work, but I'll get there :). My lil' future is getting brighter and brighter.
As sick as this is, school is actually helping me. The massive workload isn't great, but my program and the people in it are just... wow. I love it all :).
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Onto a weekend filled with group projects! Woot!
In all seriousness, I'm actually not doing as badly today. I saw my holistic practitioner tonight and damn. She's amazing. Put things into perspective and balanced my energy. I couldn't ask for more.
I have a lot to look forward to, and I'll be working out again in a few days. I'm excited :).
Life is gonna get better...I can feel it.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I'm happy to be one more day through this ordeal.
Today, though, I really feel stuck in the mud--hopefully it's not quicksand. My health is still not where I want or need it to be. On a positive note, I'm going to see my family MD today to request to get some tests done for some things that are bugging me; and tomorrow, I'm going to see my holistic practitioner! I'm excited about that. She always gives me peace of mind and her energy balancing techniques will be of great use right now.
I stayed up until 4:30am last night to work on a paper. I got up at 7 today. I'm exhausted. This isn't good in any circumstance, but with my body already run-down, it's dangerous. However, I don't have time to catch up on sleep. I still have one more assignment until I'm caught up with school. I just need to be patient, and hopefully get some sleep tonight. One thing at a time...
Well, hope everyone else is doing well. It's a tough time of year for all, and we just need to keep Christmas time in mind as a light at the end of the stressball tunnel!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Woke up feeling like I needed to stay in bed (oh wait...that happens most mornings :P). Joking aside, my die-off symptoms are definitely there. Felt sick last night, and my energy went away in a snap. I went to bed far too late (damn papers), and am pretty tired today. The sun's out, though, and that makes things better :) (as corny as that may sound).
Late morning, I was feeling a bit better, but eating lunch made me feel sick. And now, I'm starting to feel a bit better, just really tired. I'm a yo-yo, my friends.
I want to work out so badly, but the tiredness, on and off nausea, and copious amounts of homework won't let me. I tried to do some pushups and squats today...didn't do many but I guess it's something?
I'll get there. I know I will. It's just another day...
Monday, November 16, 2009
That aside, I've decided to chronicle my battle with candida albicans/candidiasis over the next couple of weeks. My plan is as follows: go on the strictest form of the anti-candida diet (AC diet from hereafter) for two weeks/14 days, then go on a non-strict AC diet for another 2 weeks/14 days. My end date/the light at the end of the tunnel emerges on December 13th, which is the last day.
I've suffered from candida overgrowth for most of my life. My holistic practictioner has told me many times how to keep candida in check, but I never had the willpower or drive to stick to her advice to the T. I'll provide some info on the diet later on. Most medical doctors and the general public have zero idea what candida albicans is and how debilitating it can be, and has been for me.
I just got over the flu, and I still don't feel well. Actually, I feel quite gross on and off and never healthy. Because of school, and the drive to want to live "normally," I threw up my hands, said "enough is enough," and decided to try the true AC diet for a couple of weeks.
THE CANDIDA CONDITION
Candida (yeast) is in all of us, and is a natural part of life and of our GI tract. However, overgrowth can cause the candida to mutate into fungus. This lovely mutation causes an ugly laundry-list of symptoms in sufferers.
To name a few:
-typical symptoms of IBS
-other embarrassing symptoms (see the links below if you want to learn more)
-depletion of energy
No cure exists for this condition, and it masquerades as other conditions (IBS, for ex.). Hence, doctors mis-diagnose it all the time, and people sometimes never know or find out what's wrong with them.
The treatment is lengthy, a pain in the ass, and difficult as hell. I'm not gonna lie! You have to temporarily adjust your diet drastically, and/or keep it modified possibly for the rest of your life. To me, it feels like a death sentence, because I LOVE food and going out to eat and cook with friends and family. The death sentence includes the AC diet, and use of anti-fungals and probiotics.
Now, there are tons of resources out there to learn about candida and treating it, and some of it conflicts with each other. Oh joy! In the section following this one, I've taken just one very small, comprehensive list of what to eat and what to avoid. I'm not doing some other fancy steps and what not that other resources suggest, because this is hard enough--trrrrrrrrrrrust me. I am undertaking some, though.
THE ANTI-CANDIDA DIET (i.e. the bane of my existence)
I've taken just ONE example of the diet. It's as follows (from http://www.greatestherbsonearth.com/articles/candida_foods.htm)...
The GOOD foods:
All vegetables, as much as you want at each meal, except potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, winter squash (acorn & butternut), beans (green beans are okay), and peas which all contain too much sugar. After week #1, you may add the disallowed vegetables in moderate amounts.
Fresh is best; frozen only if unsweetened. Serving size is indicated. Do not have more than one serving per meal--limit 3 times a day. No dried fruit or fruit juices allowed.
Apple - 2
Applesauce, unsweetened - 1/3 cup
Apricots - 3 small
Avocado - Unlimited okay
Banana - 1/3
Blueberries - 2 cup
Cantaloupe, cubed - 1 cup
Cherries - 7
Grapes - 2 cup
Grapefruit - 2 (3 2" diameter)
Honeydew Melon - 2 cup cubed
Nectarine - 1/2
Peach - 2
Pear - 2
Pineapple - 2 cup
Plum - 1 (2 1/4" diameter)
Raspberries - 2/3 cup
Strawberries - 1 cup
Tangerine - 1 (2 1/4" diameter)
Watermelon, cubed - 3/4 cup
[NOTE: most other diets do NOT let you eat fruit at all, or at least not pineapple or watermelon!! I'm just not eating much fruit other than apples and berries.]
Meat & Eggs -
All meat and eggs are allowed except bacon, sausage, ham, hot dogs or luncheon meats (they all have sugar added). Servings may be as large as you wish. During the 2nd week, you may add cottage cheese, but not hard cheese, as a protein.
Water (drink 8 glasses a day); sparkling water, Club Soda, diet caffeine-free sodas, Herbal Beverage natural coffee substitute
Nuts, seeds & oils
Canola, Olive, Safflower, Butter, Nuts & Nut Butters, Almonds, Cashews, Pecans, Avoid peanuts & pistachios (may have mold)"
The BAD foods (from the same source):
"Foods You Cannot Eat (Not Even Once!)
(If you break the rules, the 14-21 days start over for the diet & the supplements)
[--> lovely, eh?]
Antibiotics: Call your Nature's Sunshine herb specialist for natural herbal remedies if you begin to get sick. Antibiotics will cause a massive growth of candida!
Coffee & Tea: Regular coffee, instant coffee, decaf coffee, herbal teas (may contain fungi).
Condiments, Sauces, Fermented Foods, & Vinegar-containing Foods: Mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, salad dressing, Worcestershire, Accent (MSG), Soy sauce, barbecue sauce, chili sauce, pickles, relishes, green olives, sauerkraut, horseradish, tamari.
Cheese & Dairy: All cheeses, milk products and foods containing cheese and milk. Sour cream and sour milk products must be avoided. Once a day you may have plain yogurt with live culture and no sugar added to which you add a serving of fresh fruit.
Flour, Rice, Corn, Oats, and Products Made from These: Bread, Rice Cakes, Oatmeal, Tortillas, Pastries, Bagels, Cake, Pies and Popcorn all turn to sugar in your system and feed your candida.
Malt Products: Malted milk drinks, cereals, and candy.
Moldy Foods: Any food that has mold on it such as left-overs or sprouts
Packaged & Processed Foods: Canned, bottled, boxes, and other packaged foods usually contain yeast or refined sugar.
Vegetables: Potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, winter squash (acorn & butternut), beans (except for green beans), and peas.
Sprouts: Often contain molds
Sugar & Sugar-containing Foods: Avoid fructose, sucrose, maltose, lactose, honey, molasses, maple syrup, maple sugar, date sugar, and turbinado sugar.
Yeasts: Brewer's Yeast (check your vitamins, Nature's Sunshine vitamins are all yeast-free), bakers' yeast
How to plan a meal while on the Candida Diet:
1) Choose a protein (meat, chicken, fish, tuna, eggs)
2) Add as many allowed vegetables as you wish with butter & salt for flavoring. To make salad dressing, combine olive or canola oil with fresh lemon juice and desired spices.
3) Add one serving of fruit
4) Add nuts, avocados, and other sources of fat, as desired
To break the diet, (no sooner than on the 15th day) add one off-limits food only. Start with the unallowed vegetables. Next add additional fresh, unsweetened fruits. Then add dairy products. Add only one new item every three days. Three days later add another. By adding slowly, you can determine which foods you must still stay away from (if your symptoms return). Sugar, vinegar, and yeast products should be the last items you add."
Who wants to join me???
Didn't think so.
No, this doesn't mean people with candida die. Well, they do eventually, but don't we all?
Die-off can be equated to the same concept as Withdrawal for drug addicts. It's not NEARLY as severe, except in rare cases. Essentially, when doing the AC diet and taking anti-fungals, you're starving the yeast from what it loves (carbs and sugar) and what it thrives off of (moldy environments), killing it. The yeast then releases lots of toxins into your body. Die-off affects everyone differently, and can last from a few days to a couple of weeks. It can be minor, or severe.
Whether minor or severe, your symptoms from candidiasis worsen or are more pronounced, or you could see some new symptoms. Again, this can include: nausea, fever, chronic fatigue, depletion of energy, IBS symptoms, rash, headaches, depression (!), and lots of others.
ME, MYSELF, AND I
Today, on my second day of the AC diet, I'm experiencing die-off already. I experienced it last night, and it feels like it's burning a hole in my stomach right now. That was blunt. The thing is, this is tough. And I feel alone, especially since I feel like being alone when faced with this. I know my family's there for me and a few friends, but they're dealing with their own lives, too. I feel exhausted, nauseous, grumpy, anxious, headachey on and off, depressed...I feel like a walking medication side-effects list. I'll pull myself out of this--I know I will!!! There are other steps I'm taking, too, but that's all complicated and personal stuff.
Also, I used to be fit. I still sort of am, but once the flu hit me just over a week ago, I've lost some muscle, energy, endurance, and I'm not breathing properly. I want to be able to box and dance again. This is a HUGE trial of patience for me. Huge.
[This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass...]
School + work + candida = YUCK.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though, and whether or not I'm fully better, I know some time off the "junk" (although I wouldn't call most veggies and fruit "junk") will make the candida suffer. My body's going through a civil war, and I hope my sanity and well-being wins this time!
and there're lots more on good ol' Google!